I'm a thinker.
I like to think about how others think. What they desire and how they got to desire that thing. And I've come to the conclusion that everyone thinks they cannot make it. That they will amount to nothing or become nothing, unimportant and unmemorable. At least that's my fear. Because of this possible irrationality, I hold myself back and sometimes sell myself short when it comes to things I want to do. For example, I want to be a writer someday. It's my dream to be published. Yes, it would be a career that I'm not miserable to involve myself in everyday, and if I made it big, a pretty comfortable salary would roll in. But what I really want to be able to do is change people's perspectives. And to relate to others in a way that only words can do. But because I fear that I'm not talented, or not good, or simply not enough... I hold back. I stick to my blog, a small account that approximately only 30 people actually keep up with, including my mom. And I stay there. In my comfort zone. I've been given opportunities before. I've been offered to read for Orpheus, a special event our very own Ben Jatos produces where authors come and listen to students reading, typically only juniors. But I feel that Jatos sees more in me, maybe a maturity, that is compelling him to let me share my words. Or maybe it's just because I begged him and Cheryl Strayed may be coming. So I'll do that, I can put myself out there in that spectrum. But I won't be confident. Because I'm a thinker. I over analyze. A lot. I over analyze my writing, myself, my sports, others, my emotions, other people's emotions, and I make problems when there really isn't a problem to begin with. I also tend to overthink simple tasks. Like asking for a job application at Subway. 'Well what if they are helping customer? Doesn't it look weird that I'm waiting in a long line for a simple piece of paper? What if the manager isn't in? What if I choke?' This then turns into an internal struggle and leads my sweaty nervous self into a crappy Subway on Fourth Plain, only to find out that they discontinued the physical applications. I let my fear hold be back from taking opportunities to make money, or to get scholarships, or to become published. I let it drag me and my self esteem down to the deepest part of my body. It prevents me from succeeding and guides me to a pit of procrastination. For instance, our English teacher found us an online contest for a chance to be published in the New York Times. All you have to do is write a measly 460 character paragraph on why technology makes us more lonely, or how girls are pressured into having perfect bodies in society. But because I lack motivation and because I fear that if I even attempt to do something, I will fail.. I shrivel up. And wait. And wait. And wait some more. Until the chance passes me by. Why do I do this? I have no clue. I let my fear overwhelm me and take over the position of confidence. I'm also a short fuse. I don't have anger issues, I'm rather smart and understand how people think and function. But I have a lack of tolerance. I struggle to understand why I can't find people who are perfectly normal and have little to no quirks. But then I realize I'm expecting perfection, and that I myself am far from perfect. This leads me into a depression and bewilderment. I fear that I'll never find people that I can relate to. Or that don't annoy me as much as people do. It causes me to disconnect from people, when in reality I'm a very social person. I have many many many things to work on within myself. I keep telling myself it will be better once I leave high school, but maybe it won't. Maybe I need to change. And that scares me the most. Continuing to let my fear, my lack of tolerance and self confidence, and the over-analyzing qualities of my mind hold me back.
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AuthorGrace Willcox. High school student. Likes to think of herself as cunning & witty. Probably isn't. Enjoy. Archives
March 2017
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