Getting out of bed has become increasingly difficult within the past few days. It's gotten to the point where I've forced myself to use the bedtime app on my phone because staying up until 12:44 am watching 'Get Ready with Me' videos and feeling numb is becoming unsatisfying. You would think when someone is numb they wouldn't have to deal with unsatisfactory emotions anymore. You would be wrong.
Within the past week I have become temporarily unavailable and am taking a break from the person I've spent 98% of my time with in the past year. My cat has been assigned as my new closest companion. She sleeps on the edge of my pink floral sheets or wiggles her face underneath the curves of the duvet cover. Sometimes sniffs my nose when I cry. Not that I do that often. I'm numb. Its perplexing when the person you're attached to at the hip asks to take a break, and you agree because you both know that's what's best after a year of unhealthy arguments and mind games that you're both guilty of participating in, but instead of crying every night like you think you would do, you just keep moving. Keep progressing in a trance that doesn't allow you to get anything done except binge watch The Series of Unfortunate Events, which I must say is getting exceptionally better with every episode I indulge in. So I set my alarm to 7:30 am, and even if I don't have to get up at 7:30 am on Tuesdays and Thursday's, my counselor said it was good to have a sleep schedule and once you wake from that sleep schedule you can make your bed and follow the movements that any normal person would do to get through the day. Sometimes I wonder what her sleep schedule is like. It must be nice to not be depressed and just relish in the fact that you're not while you help very depressed people unlock the secrets to their depression. I know that's not actually why they do. They're involved in an act and study of science and do an amazing job, I just passionately despise getting up at 7:30 am everyday. I see couples surround me and I'm still numb. How odd is that? That I can continue to grow numb when I see happy people, happy couples as satisfied as I was at times with my partner. Granted the happy memories became cramped and limited as time went on. Now they're pocket-sized, and I'm able to pull them out and wipe my eyes or hold them to my chest when I see two people hugging. Or when I hear the same song come on the radio every morning at exactly 9 am that I know he loves and will never cease to stop loving. I store it in my pocket, keeping it for a moment in the future when I might need it. The pocket-sized memories are there and they will continue to be collected until we come back to a place where we can gather all of the reminders we've stored and lay them on the table. Maybe then we can reassemble the pieces, like the puzzle we bought of Starry Night, along with Mancala and the vintage version of Monopoly. Someday we can just enjoy the picture. But for now, the pieces are still in the box. Some are stuck behind the couch and if we're lucky, we find them. And keep them in our pockets.
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Today has been utterly exhausting. Today was a day where people made history. Today was a day where those people had to tolerate hypocrisy and injustice because of those comfortable with oppression.
The first thing I read before my drive to the PDX Women's March was a twitter post that read: Logic of people today: Destroy American property with riots to try and make America better. I am frustrated with many things. I am frustrated that we have an uneducated, white supremacist bigot as the supposed leader of our country. I am frustrated that my coffee was not especially hot this morning. I am frustrated that our world is now subject to hate and detest because of differences. But I am mostly frustrated by hypocrites that are stuck within their perspective and unwilling to look past their privilege. And I have one thing to say about comments coming from Republicans, conservatives, or politically ignorant people that make remarks such as these. It is toxic to discredit protesters across the world because of very few spurs of violence and destruction of public property. Our media, particularly right-wing biased media such as Fox News and other popular sources of information, strive off of broadcasting the one single story of protests. That single story is that they are dangerous, an attack on patriotism, and a source of carnage and annihilation on mainly property rights, or in our case, the good ol' American dream. Notice how this pessimistic attitude is a large portion of how Donald Trump supporters view minorities and the very people protesting for their human rights. Media has worked tirelessly to cover up the truth about protests, especially the majority that have happened in the past four days. The Hill, an active source for political news, states, "...while anti-Trump protesters have engaged in mostly peaceful demonstrations against the president-elect, pro-Trump supporters have been responsible for a wave of attacks against Muslims, Latinos, blacks, and the LGBT community," ("Conservatives forget history", Mehlman-Orzoco). Vox news also writes, "Yes, the protests briefly got violent here and there — seemingly because a handful or dozens of people (typically anarchists), out of hundreds or thousands of protesters, decided it was a good idea to vandalize property, including the burning car, a few storefronts, and some public trash cans," ("Don't judge the Inauguration", Lopez). The fact of the matter is that we can look at every situation throughout history where a certain event has happened, and there will always be at one point of the claim one person or even one group of people that will paint the event as one image. It's the same exact logic as to why most people paint Christians to be homophobic and conservative. Or why people believe Muslims are automatically terrorists. Or that people of color, especially African-Americans and black people, are criminals and all feminists are lesbians. These are general stereotypes. It is what white supremacy and systems of oppression thrive off of. Now we can talk about the hypocrisy. I have watched video after tweet from post to message to hashtag to any other form of communication stating that protesters need to "Get over it", "Deal with it", and "Stop being so sensitive." This is not only hypocritical, but also virulent, considering that the anti-Trump protests are upheld for the protection of the power of liberty, equality, and democracy. The idea that conservatives across the nation 'accepted' Obama's election with grace and dignity is a lie, as if when Obama was elected Presidential status there was a national Republican choir of "Kumbaya". There wasn't. There was an "outpouring of hate in 2008" (Orcinus). There were model figures of Obama being lynched and set on fire. There was questioning of his citizenship and his credentials as President, as if that's not something the executive office researches precisely and effectively. The entire intolerance towards human rights that Republicans and conservatives have indulged in by chanting "Get over it", with the safety of their privilege and unearned advantages to consistently and progressively back them up, is complete bullshit. And if you are or know someone who is indifferent towards the power of protest because we the people are being too 'sensitive', you should probably knock that shit off right now. Today the Women's March across the nation has been confirmed to be the "biggest protest in US HISTORY with 2.9million demonstrators against Trump". I thought since it was the biggest protest in US History, it deserved a very large font. We will not stop. I will not stop. I may not be able to speak on behalf of every humans rights supporter, but I can guarantee this is just the beginning. And if we continue to contribute to a society that enhances the danger of a single story, we will only become more ignorant. More subject to letting the government do whatever they want to our rights because we aren't knowledgeable enough to stop them. To even notice when they are crushing our humanity, even if it's happening right in front of our noses. Links to articles used in post: http://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2017/1/20/14342032/inauguration-day-protests http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/womens-march-live-updates-protests-9664725 http://thehill.com/blogs/pundits-blog/presidential-campaign/305749-republicans-employ-double-standard-to-discredit Inspiration for phrase "single story": The Danger of a Single Story - Chimamanda Adichie https://www.ted.com/talks/chimamanda_adichie_the_danger_of_a_single_story Ways to help: Donate to rawa.org Donate to organizations such as ACLU and Planned Parenthood, and remember to research and not allow stereotypes rule your beliefs and opinions! Protest on. Feeling.
I wish I didn't have to do it anymore. I feel like I've felt way more in the past year than a normal human should be allowed to feel. Angry, trapped, stuck in my own skin, rotting away with my heart that keeps feeling too many things but doesn't have the energy to release it through her work and art. My perfectionism has been an on going battle. We began with simple wrestling maneuvers and it's turned into a bloody f***ing war. I keep losing every time. It's like it knows exactly where my weak spots are. My legs are never in the right stance, the one that's supposed to keep your feet grounded. Mine continue to fly from beneath me. My perfectionism relishes in this move, raises her chin the air, and spits in my face. She's pretty aggressive. Envy is how I feel when I see women feeling their feelings in that type of way where you know that it isn't going to hurt anyone else. Their ability to be supported, to be affirmed in their foundations as if their entire being was meant for that moment. The fates have aligned for them, and they know it. They prepare for this because they know they won't allow others to take that power away from them. The consistency of caution I have with whatever I do, whatever I say... it has consumed me. I don't feel my identity the way these women feel theirs. I don't feel it's strength within my chest or it's power within my ribs. Not as much as I did before. Instead I feel the intensity of others, of the closest beings around me, whispering the patterns and directions I must pass through in order to keep the storm at bay. I have felt many things in the past year. Envy is the strongest one. During late nights, when my thoughts are turned towards the "adult swim" setting, my filter is diminished. This makes the voices quieter. I find myself being my being again. And quickly, in a moment nearly unrecognizable, it is shut down. I have done something. Something alarming. It's as if the ones I'm closest to can't handle my entire entity, and so I'm stuck, censoring my thoughts. Censoring the feelings that deserve to be felt. The night is the hardest time for me. I want to feel the feelings that allow you to be a complete person. Love, support, freedom, succession, passion. But I'm left with scraps, leftovers that someone else has managed to conjure up, back from the time their filters were drawn back. To a time where they were allowed to just be. I don't remember being able to feel these on my own. It terrifies me every day that I'm living through other people's hearts and minds. Because if I don't feel like an entire entity, and I only feel the things worth feeling through someone else, what's the point in being? Through a year of being misguided and filled with suspicion, the mistrust being placed upon my shoulders like a heaping sack of sand, weighing down every conversation, every look, every action, I have learned to never trust my feelings. My own judgement falters. The internalization began when someone's insecurities tested my own firm foundation. At least what I thought and knew to be firm. I don't know if I had any roots to begin with. I have been stuck for months, every opportunity surrounding me. Waving its arms in the air screaming, "Here. Take me on. Just give me a try. It's okay if you think that you're going to fail, you couldn't possibly be doing worse than you were before." I can't seem to get a grip of my feelings anymore. I've lost every sense of my being. I've been able to execute things the way that my past self would execute things and I still don't feel the feelings that I was meant to have. My feelings have been diminished. My entire being has been diminished. Unhealthy patterns with myself and the love of my life, constant and cycling change threatening the existence of what was thought to be my firm planted frame, everything has brought me to a place of hate. Hate is the only thing I feel strongly. Instead of feeling the feelings that make me want to be whole, I have been a walking piece-by-piece pile, feeling everything at once. Never absorbing it. Just letting it move through me. |
AuthorGrace Willcox. High school student. Likes to think of herself as cunning & witty. Probably isn't. Enjoy. Archives
March 2017
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