Let me tell you what, being single... sucks. I know every girl goes straight into the denial phase of, "I don't need no man, I can be my own happiness," because I have been in that phase for almost five months now. Finding your own happiness is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, because it's an ongoing process. You will forever have ups and downs. One day you're on cloud nine, talking to cute boys and feeling free. And then the next day you feel like you've gained five pounds and no one will ever love you because you binge watch the Mindy Project way too much and can finish a pint of ice cream in one sitting.
I don't now why I'm even writing on here considering I've had no revelation and I'm still struggling daily, but we all need something to let go of, and mine is my ex. This isn't going to be a revenge post or anything of the sort, it's simply me sharing the shit I've been through and how I physically, mentally, and emotionally can't take it anymore. For all my life I've had an issue with finding my own happiness and feeling accepted by others, especially boys. Maybe it had to do with the fact that I was always the tallest girl in the my grade, and had a gap in between my teeth plus a bob haircut that made me look like Cole Sprouse in his younger years of Suite Life of Zack & Cody. I kid you not, I was a man-child. But I promise, I've had only good relationships. They were always nice boys who respected me and treated me of nothing less than I deserved. So I know what you're thinking, what traumatic thing happened that this chick is STILL hung up over her ex? The thing is, I don't know. Maybe it has to do with the fact that since we've broken up, he's continued to screw his life over by messing around with 20 girls at a time (I'm not exaggerating people) and every time I've attempted to forgive, believe, or be friends with him, he's deliberately lied to me. Yes, I've been told you shouldn't judge a boy over what he does once you two break up, but it's so hard not to when you've seen the potential they have, and you know that you're the only reason they had it. As the wise Jhene Aiko would say, "Please don't take this personal, but you ain't shit, and you weren't special til I made you so." And I've never heard something so true. But anyways, back to the feelings. When you're with someone who was nothing but amazing to you, it's unfathomable that they could treat you any other way. But they can. And it's heart wrenching, it's an utter punch in the gut. That's something I've had to come to terms with. That you could love someone, and they could love you, and they can still treat you more horribly than you could ever imagine. They can lie to you, reveal things about you that were shared privately for them, and continue to walk back into your life as if nothing happened. But when you think about it, that's just life. And that's just people. That's people being people, flawed imperfections and all. Being heartbroken and empty has shown me how to deal with so many situations in the best way possible, because my ultimate goal is to be less fucked up than the next person. My dad always taught me, "It's more important to be kind," and now I know how to, at last in some circumstances. Maybe it's because I'm 16. Maybe it's because he was my first mature love. And maybe this blog is turning into a cheese-fest of embarrassment and cliches, but I can't be alone in this, can I? Anyways, if you're reading this... girls who are just as relatabley heartbroken and bitter, just know that even if it doesn't get better (and I am vivid proof that it will take a while) you aren't alone. And if the asshole who broke your heart is reading this, get your shit together. It's only hurting everyone around you. *update ladies, my favorite English teacher knew that I was having an awful week and brought me a slice of cake. I am living proof that it gets better.
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AuthorGrace Willcox. High school student. Likes to think of herself as cunning & witty. Probably isn't. Enjoy. Archives
March 2017
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