Getting out of bed has become increasingly difficult within the past few days. It's gotten to the point where I've forced myself to use the bedtime app on my phone because staying up until 12:44 am watching 'Get Ready with Me' videos and feeling numb is becoming unsatisfying. You would think when someone is numb they wouldn't have to deal with unsatisfactory emotions anymore. You would be wrong.
Within the past week I have become temporarily unavailable and am taking a break from the person I've spent 98% of my time with in the past year. My cat has been assigned as my new closest companion. She sleeps on the edge of my pink floral sheets or wiggles her face underneath the curves of the duvet cover. Sometimes sniffs my nose when I cry. Not that I do that often. I'm numb. Its perplexing when the person you're attached to at the hip asks to take a break, and you agree because you both know that's what's best after a year of unhealthy arguments and mind games that you're both guilty of participating in, but instead of crying every night like you think you would do, you just keep moving. Keep progressing in a trance that doesn't allow you to get anything done except binge watch The Series of Unfortunate Events, which I must say is getting exceptionally better with every episode I indulge in. So I set my alarm to 7:30 am, and even if I don't have to get up at 7:30 am on Tuesdays and Thursday's, my counselor said it was good to have a sleep schedule and once you wake from that sleep schedule you can make your bed and follow the movements that any normal person would do to get through the day. Sometimes I wonder what her sleep schedule is like. It must be nice to not be depressed and just relish in the fact that you're not while you help very depressed people unlock the secrets to their depression. I know that's not actually why they do. They're involved in an act and study of science and do an amazing job, I just passionately despise getting up at 7:30 am everyday. I see couples surround me and I'm still numb. How odd is that? That I can continue to grow numb when I see happy people, happy couples as satisfied as I was at times with my partner. Granted the happy memories became cramped and limited as time went on. Now they're pocket-sized, and I'm able to pull them out and wipe my eyes or hold them to my chest when I see two people hugging. Or when I hear the same song come on the radio every morning at exactly 9 am that I know he loves and will never cease to stop loving. I store it in my pocket, keeping it for a moment in the future when I might need it. The pocket-sized memories are there and they will continue to be collected until we come back to a place where we can gather all of the reminders we've stored and lay them on the table. Maybe then we can reassemble the pieces, like the puzzle we bought of Starry Night, along with Mancala and the vintage version of Monopoly. Someday we can just enjoy the picture. But for now, the pieces are still in the box. Some are stuck behind the couch and if we're lucky, we find them. And keep them in our pockets.
3 Comments
Nix Pendergast
1/30/2017 02:03:47 pm
Lovely writing as always! I stay up late watching YouTube as well XD thanks for sharin!
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Karina
2/2/2017 01:46:07 pm
Nicely written😊
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B
2/15/2017 01:37:20 pm
My heartached as i read this. I hope things have gotten better and you have once again regained some of your happiness.
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AuthorGrace Willcox. High school student. Likes to think of herself as cunning & witty. Probably isn't. Enjoy. Archives
March 2017
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