Feeling.
I wish I didn't have to do it anymore. I feel like I've felt way more in the past year than a normal human should be allowed to feel. Angry, trapped, stuck in my own skin, rotting away with my heart that keeps feeling too many things but doesn't have the energy to release it through her work and art. My perfectionism has been an on going battle. We began with simple wrestling maneuvers and it's turned into a bloody fucking war. I keep losing every time. It's like it knows exactly where my weak spots are. My legs are never in the right stance, the one that's supposed to keep your feet grounded. Mine continue to fly from beneath me. My perfectionism relishes in this move, raises her chin the air, and spits in my face. She's pretty aggressive. Envy is how I feel when I see women feeling their feelings in that type of way where you know that it isn't going to hurt anyone else. Their ability to be supported, to be affirmed in their foundations as if their entire being was meant for that moment. The fates were aligned for them, and they knew it. They prepared for this because they knew they wouldn't allow others to take that power away from them. The consistency of caution I have with whatever I do, whatever I say... it has consumed me. I don't feel my identity the way these women feel theirs. I don't feel it's strength within my chest or it's power within my ribs. Not as much as I did before. Instead I feel the intensity of others, of the closest beings around me, whispering the patterns and directions I must pass through in order to keep the storm at bay. I have felt many things in the past year. Envy is the strongest one. During late nights, when my thoughts are turned towards the "adult swim" setting, my filter is diminished. This makes the voices quieter. I find myself being my being again. And quickly, in a moment nearly unrecognizable, it is shut down. I have done something. Something alarming. It's as if the ones I'm closest to can't handle my entire entity, and so I'm stuck, censoring my thoughts. Censoring the feelings that deserve to be felt. The night is the hardest time for me. I want to feel the feelings that allow you to be a complete person. Love, support, freedom, succession, passion. But I'm left with scraps, leftovers that someone else has managed to conjure up, back from the time their filters were drawn back. To a time where they were allowed to just be. I don't remember being able to feel these on my own. It terrifies me every day that I'm living through other people's hearts and minds. Because if I don't feel like an entire entity, and I only feel the things worth feeling through someone else, what's the point in being? Through a year of being misguided and filled with suspicion, the mistrust being placed upon my shoulders like a heaping sack of sand, weighing down every conversation, every look, every action, I have learned to never trust my feelings. My own judgement falters. The internalization began when someone's insecurities tested my own firm foundation. At least what I thought and knew to be firm. I don't know if I had any roots to begin with. I have been stuck for months, every opportunity surrounding me. Waving its arms in the air screaming, "Here. Take me on. Just give me a try. It's okay if you think that you're going to fail, you couldn't possibly be doing worse than you were before." I can't seem to get a grip of my feelings anymore. I've lost every sense of my being. I've been able to execute things the way that my past self would execute things and I still don't feel the feelings that I was meant to have. My feelings have been diminished. My entire being has been diminished. Unhealthy patterns with myself and the love of my life, constant and cycling change threatening the existence of what was thought to be my firm planted frame, everything has brought me to a place of hate. Hate is the only thing I feel strongly. Instead of feeling the feelings that make me want to be whole, I have been a walking piece-by-piece pile, feeling everything at once. Never absorbing it. Just letting it move through me.
4 Comments
Tofte
4/5/2017 09:07:41 pm
This is so good! I felt a connection with your writing and you. This is one of the most inspirational blogs so far I have read (even if it doesn't seem to be), I love reading your blogs week to week they are always amazing.
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Daniil
4/17/2017 01:59:55 pm
Wow this is a very good blog. A bit on the long side.
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Nicole
4/22/2017 09:20:17 am
I read almost all your blogs today, I love your writing and the way you express yourself. I can absolutely relate to this blog, but from what I've seen, you are a wonderful person. Never forget that. ❤️
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Tofte
5/1/2017 12:39:42 pm
I really enjoy reading your blogs, it opens up a new way for me to think and look at things.
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AuthorGrace Willcox. High school student. Likes to think of herself as cunning & witty. Probably isn't. Enjoy. Archives
March 2017
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